Dear Sneha,
Kampala-Mumbai-Jodhpur-Ranchi (Mar'20 - Nov'22)
I was supposed to get married on 16th April, 2020 in Jodhpur. My father was posted there for 7 years and my family kind of moved between Delhi and Jodhpur in those 7 years.
The date coincided with the anniversary of my Parents. I came to Mumbai from Kampala in the first week of March'20 to spend a week with my fiancee, before going to Delhi for visa formalities for moving to Spain. My fiancee was learning Spanish to be able to practise in Barcelona. It all felt like an adventure of a lifetime. Neither of our families knew that I was in Mumbai, as we wanted it to be just us. The week went like a day and I was supposed to stay in her family home for 1-2 days before leaving for Delhi. That day was 19th March and the Spanish Embassy was already closed indefinitely. Lockdown was announced and I was stuck in Mumbai with my future mil and fiancee. My brother in law was living in Taiwan and my father in law was working in Bangalore, so it was just the three of us. With all the uncertainty hanging around visa and marriage, the African Startup I was working for asked me not to worry about moving to Spain and gave me the opportunity to work remotely from India. It was a relief, a bit disappointing as we had started making all these plans to travel around in Europe, while she looked for a job there, but it was now easy for her to continue working here, so there were pros and cons.
The elaborate wedding plans were cancelled and I was mostly playing ludo with my future mother in law and making noise with utensils on mudijee's request. Yes, retrospectively, it was an awkward situation to be in a live-in situation in her home, but thanks to Xi. Families on both sides were edgy about the marriage as it was cancelled and it was not a very auspicious sign for them as everyone knew about the wedding and the live-in situation at my in-laws. My parents definitely wanted us to get married asap now. My father usually responds quickly to edgy situations and he made some calls and we got a pass from the Home Ministry to travel to Jodhpur. Now, my mother in law wanted to stay in Mumbai alone and enjoy her solace but it was risky and we all convinced her to travel to Jodhpur with us and be there until the lockdown was removed and got permission to get married. This was early May. So yeah, the trio's live-in situation existed for more than a month, and we made bitter sweet memories. Those were not easy times for my fiance professionally, as it was too risky for her to work and we all convinced her to pause until marriage and there is some clarity on how dangerous this is. 10th June, was the first day of lockdown easing and we got married in the same venue but with no people. Just some locals and 1 relative each from both the sides. The Priest came from Jaipur, and he was old, but he survived.
I was working remotely from Jodhpur, and my wife was patient enough to not start working till August and then a beautiful thing happened. My father got transferred to Ranchi, where I grew, where I went to school, it was like going back to my childhood. I had always yearned to go back to Ranchi where I was for 16 years till 2010 and then my family moved to Delhi, while I embarked on education and adulthood. So, basically after showing my Mumbaikar wife dreams of Barcelona, we landed in Ranchi. And she was pleasantly surprised. Also, specialised doctors like Anesthesiologists are too much in demand in small towns and their earning potential is magnified. Like she could easily earn 4-5x of what she could in Mumbai by freelancing. So of course she was elated. And life was just easy there. Ranchi used to be a hill station in the past and we had a nice house with greenery all around and a big compound. No local train queues. Quaint little town. It was a new experience for her and she likes having new experiences.
Talking about me, sometime during my college days, I realised, I didn't have the hunger/talent/ambition for becoming the best in my professional life. Maybe it was a conscious choice or maybe I was never that ruthless or maybe I was privileged enough to not feel that burden.
I was fine being a mid. So I was chasing equilibrium, a balance of everything. Nothing extreme. I just wanted to be a responsible enough person for important people in my life and make memories. I was a romantic, stoic in family matters, emotional in the matters of heart, competitive enough in professional matters to survive. So, this life in Ranchi was too good to be true. So, I just wanted to preserve that somehow. I tried to optimize everything around my marital partnership in Ranchi, as it felt like a utopia after a decade of staying away. I did some experiment with running a startup as my only effort at getting wealthy and realised it will need me to leave Ranchi to make it survive and I found myself a remote job at Paytm in Apr '22. To be honest, I was going to take up anything to preserve that life in Ranchi and I could even imagine myself giving up corporate life forever and do something in Ranchi as my wife was having a regular job there. I can't say I was not doing all of this for me also, but I think I stopped thinking about myself and optimize professionally, but that's what balance was supposed to be. My brother was also living with us and he was going through a divorce effort since 2019, no lawsuits, but families were conservative, so they were living separately and they just didn't like or respect each other. I knew from the first day that it was doomed. My brother gifted us a dimwit, aggressive Golden Retriever in Jun '21 and we called him Golu Mishra (GM) and we were living the life. The place was perfect for him also
I never imagined that I will ever think of changing anything about this life - the place, the relationship, the feeling. Homecoming had happened for me already. I was dreaming, indeed.
Ranchi-Gurgaon (Dec'22 - May'24)
It was 4th Dec '22. My life changed. Took me a few days to figure it out completely. The dream was over. I never cried like that again. I kind of never cried after that. My dearest grandmother passed away in Feb'25, and I couldn't cry.
I am getting teary eyed, as I am typing this, just thinking how I felt then. I have never talked about it, documented it or shared it with anyone except the day my dream died. The moment I figured it out, I just called my mother to our room, and informed her that my marriage is over in front of my wife. And then I called my mother-in-law to convey the same in front of my wife. I felt it was my responsibility to communicate to them as I absolved myself of all my obligatory responsibilities. I never discussed that day, divorce, or my rants again with them after that day. After a few days, I just communicated to my mother that I am not ending this marriage right now and there will be no discussion about it ever again. Also, we never had a situation or a fight after marriage, which made us so sure about talking divorce etc. Told you it was a dreamy state, right. So, it was not some routine fight or drama.
I have always tried to not share my problems with anyone, especially my parents. The same has been true for my marriage. It was the only day in my life that I revealed my marital problems in front of the old ladies. My thinking has always been that the couple or the individual has the maximum context to deal with their problems and should deal or process accordingly. But at that moment, I was done with my marriage, and I was being transparent with them. I was not looking for any mediation, it was not a discussion. And I wanted my mother at least to know why my marriage was over. I don't think my brother even knows all this happened, I would be surprised if the old ladies didn't talk about it with their husbands. But I never heard anything from them ever on this. My brother in law called in the evening to mediate as my mother in law told him in a panicked state. Because everyone knows that I don't talk serious shit unless it's the only way.
If I get to grow old and some obnoxious children will ask me my greatest accomplishments - I will say going to every spot in Vienna (not the song you like, lol) where Celine and Jesse walked in 'Before Sunrise'. And it is significant because it made me feel so much and so beautiful. Yes, I did it alone, company would have been better, lol. You should know that they have reserved the spot in the Viennese Coffee House, where they faked the telephone conversations.
The point is I am a very insignificant person but I like to feel, I like to observe things around and feel, I had to stop feeling now to survive as an individual and maybe a couple maybe. It has been the darkest time for me. You feel this pain, everytime your mind starts running and you can't stop your mind from running. I remember you talking about going through the pain of betrayal, so I can't imagine and I am sorry for what you felt and went through and how much it has numbed you and taken away from you. We might have dealt differently with similar situations but I get the Rush of Blood to your Head that you feel and the rage and emptiness you experience sometimes and how you try to process that. All of that happens inside my mind also but I don't let that manifest physically and just suffer inside. I don't know what is the right way or wrong way or if there is any other way, but we are different and we deal differently. Having said that, I would do anything for you to not feel like that ever again which forces you to harm yourself in any manner, or maybe process things differently.
You asked me once, who is my best friend and I said GM, and you might have thought I was being silly or deflecting. It was true, because only he has seen me go through all of this and maybe only he knows as a friend what I experienced. Before that I think I was best friends with my wife, we are still friends. And yes, I really needed to discuss and process this with close friends or a therapist, because I was really struggling, but I knew that they would all advise me to walk away from my marriage (and they are also stoic like me and believe in preserving things) and maybe I would have advised them the same. Honestly I was not sure about surviving as a couple or even trying for it, and I am not confident or sure that it will survive the next 1 year or 5 years or 10 years, I don't think like that now.
I started hating Ranchi also, and I just wanted to escape that place, as it reminded me of the broken dream of an eternity home. I don't think I could survive or heal there and I decided to move to Gurgaon, even though there was no professional need. Of course it didn't make sense to anyone in my family and wife and GM, but I had made up my mind and my wife chose to join me in my struggles, and she wanted the marriage to survive, but I had become this indifferent and dead person, and I gave reasons to make my wife resentful and unsure as well. I had found my ways to subside the pain and feel nothing. Honestly I don't know how my marriage survived Gurgaon. It was like anyday, it could be over. There were so many fights and we kept hurting each other. And between all this toxicity we also discussed having a baby, as my wife is of my age, and she wanted to have a baby soon and I had to give the clarity whether I am committed to become a father or not, else I shouldn't waste her time and set her free. I had started looking at everything from a "roles and responsibility" framework now to stop myself from going insane. And felt that if we are so indecisive and if this will make our parents happy and maybe we can become good parents, I took it as a responsibility to try to become a father. We tried and my wife is pregnant and we are expecting next year and we are sharing this news now with people. Yes, I might get to become a father now and I am terrified and excited to become a parent. I am focussed on my responsibilities as a husband to a pregnant wife and yes, my emptiness and darkness continues to exist and my pain has subsided further and I focus on my role and duties as a possible parent to keep myself busy and not put myself in the forefront. Ofcourse, my position on my marriage is still the same, I don't know how long it will survive, but I am not even thinking about it right now. But nothing will surprise me.
Gurgaon - Hyderabad (May'24 - Present)
(I can get very generous with words in this chapter, but I will try to be frugal)
I remember the first time I was told to "connect" with this Designer to negligibly contribute to VSS getting richer and I saw her black&white (monochrome is more elegant term I guess) DP on slack, and I felt, hmm, a cute artist with a long Pahadi surname. I couldn't imagine her being married and definitely not a mother. Her voice was deep, she felt composed, and then I heard the sound of a baby. And I couldn't think of the possibility of her not being a mother anymore. It's her baby for sure, I told myself smiling, but I still asked her and she said yes :). This was sometime in early '23, I guess. I had given up on listening to songs by then, because I didn't want to feel anything. In my wildest dreams, I never could have imagined that I would be co-creating a playlist with her and literally smile like a teenager on some of her silly song choices.
We interacted on professional matters and I remember once that she was struggling with Babysitters. That was the most non-linkedin discussion we had in '23 maybe. I moved to Gurgaon in late '23 to enjoy my carnival of rust, comfortably numb. We started talking more non-work, office gossip from Feb '24, thanks to Shitikanta. My marriage was on the rocks, my father had just retired (Govt officers and their families can struggle with retirements), my naani had just expired, my Mausaji (only relative family and cousins, I was genuinely attached to) was diagnosed with late stage cancer and had few weeks left, what a beautiful artisanal cocktail of events, and I was still struggling to feel much, trying to just survive and make sense, one day at a time. The office gossip was a great distraction, and of course, I didn't want to be looking for jobs but, even job hunting was a great distraction for me. She was in States, and weirdly, she was always awake, and I just used to lose track of times chatting with her, non-stop nonsense, she was chirpy, she was available for all the banter, munching her authentic cheese flavored cheetos, licking her fingers with some local candy/dessert, (I forgot the name, she was supposed to bring that for me) sunbathing in her Atlanta mansion, hiding all of her darkness and pain, pretending and boasting to have the perfect life, both of us. Maybe those moments were actually perfect.
My life got more dramatic for a while and I was laid off around May '24 but it was the best thing that could happen, because this girl, a mere linkedin "connection" and soon to become an ex-colleague, became my friend. We never used the 'f' word then, but you become friends only when you don't have any agenda or anything to seek from each other professionally or personally, but you stick with each other. When a person is supposed to become an ex-colleague that you have never even met, and there is nothing to extract from each other, you don't spend hours talking to each other. It was not a distraction anymore, because distractions can be multiple and easy to find, of course we were helping each other to stay sane in those little moments, like friends do, but we were not asking each other for that. It was our destiny, we were just playing our parts, and hence it was natural, it was seamless, it was smooth, it was sheer fun, it was beautiful.
We started to open up personally, but we continued to avoid sharing the pain, she was a bit more open than me to talk about her darkness, but never talked about the why part. She opened up about being lost and numb a little, but she was casual about it. I realised that she is also skilled in hiding her pain and act like a cool, chilled out person, because she was so casual and nonchalant in accepting her struggles with darkness. This felt similar. We bonded deep. We used to just lay there, chasing cars, around our head, forgetting the world for a while. Suddenly, we kind of crashed. She was made to feel awkward and we were forced to judge ourselves. My wife saw the texts and she saw her numb husband, feeling alive, humming to songs again, smiling. She was surprised, maybe felt insecure and curious and just reached out to her impulsively. Of course it was a pretence conversation from both sides. The impulse was unwarranted and I should have first been consulted to take her consent if she wanted to talk to my wife. And honestly, in that case, there wouldn't have been a logical justification to engage at all. The fact is that it shouldn't have happened at all that way. And it should have been just a discussion between me and my wife. I felt I disrespected my friend, and I thought that I would need to explain my marriage situation to her to make sense of this, but I was not ready then to talk about my darkness. I knew my friend would gauge the situation and she would curl away and she did that in the most elegant way. There were no goodbyes, playlist gone, we became ex-linkedin connections the next day. Words went unspoken but we were too tandem to understand what we were trying to. Pretence took over, she said, I am not looking for jobs and removed me on Linkedin. I thanked the Lords for making me feel so great again and I was tormented by the way you were made to feel, but I thought my punishment was appropriate with no goodbyes even. Also, I was too dead to react honestly. I was torn apart in life and I didn't even know if I was welcome in any direction. I also had my interview on that same fateful evening (when my wife reached out to her) with the future hiring manager and after spending a day with a sinking feeling (yes, I felt something that day) and arguing with my wife the whole day, I had an amazing call with my hiring manager. She wanted me badly (in her team, of course). My wife had realised by evening that the impulse should have been avoided. And she was willing to be honest about her impulse with my friend or anything she could do to make it better, but in my mind, I was just defeated and resigned. I didn't immediately realise the void, and had accepted the fact that we were never going to talk to each other again. I thought, you would never want to talk to me again after that, because you used to call me cool cat and you would be thinking if I had such a great personal life, and if I was so honest, why did I just play along with the pretence. Or maybe I was just too casual about you, an asshole and gossiped about this situation with my wife.
I had a new shiny job in Hyderabad and I at least wanted to convey my fake gratitude to a friend I had lost before she even came back to India. All our plans to meet and giggle had soured and you had finally become a soon to be ex-colleague. I didn't think you would respond, but God you are so annoyingly elegant in your coldness also, we embraced each other for few minutes and I again thought that this was maybe the best goodbye we could get and I was too embarrassed to get real and thought that this is our final conversation, a fake one, what a sad irony.
I was sitting in my office cafeteria and my phone buzzed and I saw "Sneha Paytm" on my whatsapp notification, God put a smile upon my face. She talked about her new job and shit and we kept it formal, but that gave me some hope that maybe, we can exist. But of course there was a lot of pretense that had got built and I didn't think it could completely go away, until I spilled my guts out about my darkness and my situation. So we had some fleeting moments of interactions and I could definitely see the pretence and confusion and I was getting better overall, or maybe I was just getting used to my darkness in Hyderabad and I was gradually getting my mind made up that maybe some day I will be fully honest and shit.
One fine day in '25 you told me how terrible your life had turned and how much your husband was suffering. And I just thought that now is not the time to try to talk about anything and now is just the time to wish and hope for you and your family. I couldn't turn up a like a real friend, because I was not supposed to be that unless you knew my situation, and we were not in the same city that I could see you face to face and explain myself. But logically, your threshold for pretence and getting confused with the past awkwardness was getting down, also you being a truth seeker, you bravely confronted me one day, with your logical assumptions and I couldn't just explain the complete situation suddenly, but I tried to explain whatever I could, and I saw you pushing me away and I resisted that. Given your situation, I didn't want to impose myself a lot and I lived with a thought that maybe you will not reach out again, and so many times, I have had to live with that thought, but every time we have found our way back to each other somehow. Yes, it has not been ideal because of the confusions of the past, but there is scope for that anymore. I can't be living in a dark room and you sitting in a different dark room and I can expect you to share that darkness with me unless I do that myself. And I think it got aggravated further after you left Hyderabad.
We finally were in the same city and after a lot of thinking, you finally revealed that, but of course you were not sure about it, because of obvious reasons and the pretence layer and it was scary yet exciting and brave of you to reach out. The pretence was kind of gone. It felt like old magic and I was ready and willing to look you in the eyes and end all this pretence and confusion forever. I prepared myself mentally to share my darkness finally, but of course you had no clue and you resisted the idea till the last minute. I had pushed a lot and expressed my desire to come and sit with you, but you had to say yes. On the last night, you said you wanted to be alone in your room and I was disheartened for sure because I was so ready to finally be myself with you and tell you everything, but every hour we spent talking on the phone, it was still so beautiful. And you shared the darkness in your heart and a lot started making sense, that you were also struggling in your marital life and running away from it, while in Atlanta. I became a listener and just stayed with you, and I realised it was too late and it was your night to share and open up. I couldn't intervene and share my story and become the main character and then you gave away your hesitation and expressed your desire to see me finally. I have never felt like that maybe. The anticipation of finally meeting the weird, sweet friend of mine, the wait was ending, I was finally going to make us free of all the pretence by sharing my story and finally watching you smile and exist. But reality of course striked back, and I realised you were struggling to stay awake and it would be hard for you to come down, and fuck my mind for this overempathetic thought and I floated this idea of you sleeping and there are moments you realise you want to take back but you can't, and then you also said that I can maybe just come down for a minute and see you for a minute, and of course you said it in the kindest and sweetest way, and I realised that it would be unfair for me to expect you to listen to my story right now and engage. And I floated the idea of you dozing off again and you complied. I kept the phone but I kept driving. My heart sank, my mind couldn't instruct my body to go back. I reached your hotel and stayed there for some time in my car, frozen. I took the accountability finally and owned up and drove back, I can tell you that I was not net sad. Why? I was beaming with the fact that we talked as we are destined to on the phone and you finally wanted to meet me, and you were vulnerable again with me.
Yes, it's a travesty for us to not meet when we should have. But that is not going to define our story. Yes, I tried to pretend non chalant after that, and I had to process, and I didn't know how to explain how I was expecting that night to unfold and how much I needed for me to meet you, and I was confused, if I should wait for a meeting opportunity or share everything virtually, because I saw you got more confused after that and you even thought for a second that I judged you for opening up your darkness and being vulnerable with me, you actually thought that Sneha. You know, it is nothing but a privilege that I know this brave girl who has defied all the awkwardness, pretence in the darkest of times for her to consider becoming vulnerable with me. And now it is my time to be brave and make it easy for us to exist naturally and without pretence. And what is this us? Us is anything and everything except just a linkedin friend. We don't need to figure out anything and everything at once, we will come to know and it's dynamic. At the moment, we are friends (you can keep adding tiers - friends but at a distance category, instagram close friends category, maybe best friends someday, nobody knows) and maybe that will be our everything, and yes maybe it will continue forever. The thing is I haven't made new friends in almost a decade, and I didn't think I would make new friends, but I forgot that you don't make friends, you become one. And in our interactions - intense always, sweet mostly, confusing at times, awkward occasionally, our friendship has only grown, like a slow burn. And it is here to stay. Because it's a good thing. And there won't be a situation again where you will need to second guess and get confused and try to assume truths and get tired and give up under all the lack of clarity. You know, we wouldn't have talked ever after last year's awkwardness, and it would have forever made sense and I could have accepted that as destiny maybe. But not this, the times they are a-changin', finally. This is not the end, we are just beginning Sneha. I know I will see you soon and we will laugh and there will be joy.
And yes, overall your personal situation is tense and dark and uncertain and a royal struggle and fucked up and yes you are entitled to be a mess, prickly, pushy, no appetite for drama. And you need people that you understand and rely upon and can be yourself with, and that is what I intend to be going forward. And that is why I am talking to you, right now and being myself completely. I am done hiding from us. And I am done being afraid. And yes, I have mostly no idea what you are going through, so you will need to tell me whatever you can, talk to me about it, so that I can take your hand and fucking walk through this shit with you, like friends should.
I don't care what happens next in your life, you decide to salvage your marital life, you decide to get divorced, you decide to get remarried or not, you choose to become a product manager, you make even grander mistakes, you decide to make reels, you decide to get drunk with me and sing songs, I don't care.
"I just want you to be you
And I just want to be around
and let destiny take care of everything else"
Regards,
Abhi
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